Him & Me by Whitehall Jack & Whitehall Michael

Author:Whitehall, Jack & Whitehall, Michael [Whitehall, Jack]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781405911368
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2013-10-09T23:00:00+00:00

Christmas morning came. My parents gave me the PlayStation I’d asked for; they were given a couple of book tokens I’d won at school in return. Then we were on to Neil’s gifts, a dreaded moment of any Christmas. He handed me a badly wrapped, worryingly book-shaped object. Damn it, Neil, I felt like saying, I’ve just got rid of some book tokens and now you’re laying this shit on me?

‘Well, this is far too big to be FIFA 04,’ I said instead.

‘What’s Fee Far?’ Neil replied. I hadn’t been holding out much hope.

It turns out that Neil had given me a Gordon Ramsay cook-book. On paper, it’s a much better result than some of his previous offerings, the worst of which was a VHS box set of Duty Free. I’m interested in cooking, plus I liked some of the recipes in it. I knew I liked some of the recipes in it, however, because Neil had given me exactly the same book the year before. He’d clearly bought it on a two-for-one offer in a petrol station in Bath.

‘Thanks, Neil,’ I said unconvincingly. ‘I’ll put it with my other one.’

‘He means his other book. The boy can hardly read, you know?’ said my dad, making it clear I was not to offend his friend.

‘His presents are rubbish,’ I told my mum later as I chopped up the Brussels sprouts aggressively. ‘Why would I want a stupid book?’

‘Don’t be so ungrateful,’ she said. ‘Anyway, it could have been worse. He could have given you one of his books.’

A lot of Christmas was spent making sure we didn’t upset Uncle Neil. It was wise not to cross him. The year before he’d nearly assaulted me when he found out I’d put an expensive cheese he’d given us into the fridge.

‘This is an Époisses, you imbecile!’ he shouted. ‘It’s ruined! I told you to put it in the cellar. What are we going to eat with the port now?’

I think there are some Cheestrings in the fridge,’ I replied, trying to be helpful.

It was then time for me and Molly to watch Top of the Pops. That year’s number one was the Band Aid 20 version of ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’ and as we sang along merrily, Neil and my father wondered whether or not that chap on the telly (Robbie Williams) danced at the other end of the ballroom.* It was then time for another tradition. Neil and my father are ardent royalists. Where most normal people’s Christmas highlight might be the presents or the turkey, for those two relics it was all about the Queen’s Speech. Neil was such a diehard monarchist that he’d caused at least one spectacular meltdown in the Whitehall house before.

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